I made more. This one is Anthony Green, and it's Nicolette's late Christmas gift.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Happy buy a New shirt Year
In retrospect,
I don't know what to say about the last year of my life.
For the last eighteen years, I have never had a single regret, and this year is no different. There are things that I wish could have been done differently, but I do not regret anything that has happened. I know that someday it will all be brighter.
What a year it has been, and though I still don't know who I am, I have a little better understanding of who I'm not. That's how it will always be, I think. Never knowing who I'm supposed to be, but slowly narrowing down who I am certainly not destined to become.
Over the last 365 days, I have been more in love with the world than ever before, and been more disgusted with the world than ever before. I have been so in love, and then fallen out of love. I have moved away, gone to school, failed at things, succeeded at things. I lost so many friends, and made new ones to fill those spots. I have been on an airplane, I have seen Chicago, been to Lollapalooza, I have run away from home, I have been kicked out of my home. I have cut my hair, I have gotten tattoos, I have changed my outlook on life. I still don't know what I want to do. I have lived in so many places, but I haven't even lived.
My life has so much more to offer me, and here's to hoping a new year will mean a new life.
I want another chance at things that I have ruined.
My resolution: I will love and be loved.
Now playing: To the Beat of a Dead Horse... - Touche Amore
Thursday, December 30, 2010
We only accept
the love we believe we deserve.
Johnny told me that. Nobody can ever understand how happy I am to know where he is, and have him back in my life again. It took a total of ten minutes for him to say things that made me feel better about where I am in life, and now I feel that things will be okay sometime.
In other news, I got a new tattoo yesterday.
It's a tree. Its location is my right leg. It's beautiful and I love it.
In other other news, tomorrow is New Years Eve. I will be doing absolutely nothing, because I get the pleasure of waking up at 4 a.m. to serve doughnuts and coffee to all you folks with a hangover. This will be another one of my countless New Years' spent alone. If someone would like to sneak into my house at midnight and kiss me while I sleep, that would be alright.
I am working to accept the love I believe I deserve.
Now Playing: In Rainbows - Radiohead
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
I am afraid
of the things that I am capable of these days.
I'm afraid that I'll die before I'm ready.
Now Playing: The Original Demos - Mansions
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
For one night only
I don't want to be surprised.
My life is a kaleidoscope, never still, never the same.
For just one single night I want to know everything that will happen, I want predictability.
Then I will be happy, then I can go back to being surprised.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
I dream of things
that only dreamers can dream.
Certain kinds of sleepers and thinkers that when combined become a dreamer.
I dream of you, faceless. I dream of our children I haven't met yet.
It takes so much out of me to wake up, entwined in the beauty of my unconscious mind.
It hurts me to be sad, but it's hard work being happy.
I'm hanging in the balance between awake and asleep, and here is where I'll stay forever.
Now Playing: David Bazan, Curse Your Branches
Friday, December 24, 2010
Merry
Christmas to you, from my little family of one.
I'm a single person family now that I got kicked out of my house on Christmas Eve. Cool.
I'm spending the holiday with my best friend Sydnee, because neither of us have too much of a Christmas.
That's alright with me. We make it work.
Just trying to stay positive and be happy.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
I need to move
out of this house.
I just got the shit beat out of me because I didn't call my professor back.
I hate where I live, I hate where I come from, I hate everything.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Friday, December 17, 2010
I am unable
to function without someone to look after me.
My entire life, I have had another person there, telling me what to do, and when to do it. That's how I survived.
I am a child.
I have lived on my own, yes. I have graduated high school and kept a job, yes. All of those things were easy, because they were cut and dry, things I had to do to survive.
College is another story. Nobody makes you do things here.
You can fail classes easier than I can type this sentence.
I am a child.
I need someone to take care of me.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
You're just too hip
for me, man.
This is not me denying that I have hipster qualities, because, let's face it, I do.
"Hipsters are the friends who sneer when you cop to liking Coldplay. They're the people who wear t-shirts silk-screened with quotes from movies you've never heard of and the only ones in America who still think Pabst Blue Ribbon is a good beer. They sport cowboy hats and berets and think Kanye West stole their sunglasses. Everything about them is exactingly constructed to give off the vibe that they just don't care."
— Time, July 2009
Here's what I think.
"Hipsters" are okay, until they become exactly what they don't want to be. Arrogant and overzealous about their tastes in whatever the topic of discussion may be. At the core, they don't want to care, but then you're caring about being seen as not caring. The only true "hipsters" are those ones who honestly never meant to be, and there are not too many. Jack Kerouac led the sort of revolution that began in the 1940's and 1950's, and it was brought back today to describe a kaleidoscopic subculture, because they needed a nicer name than the what-I-think-is-significantly-better-than-what-you-think's.
There lies my only problem with being referred to as "hip," because I am able to respect the choices of others and take influences from different cultures and grow from them. Because I wear certain clothes, listen to certain bands, or ride a fucking fixed-gear bike, does that make me someone different than I have always been? Not until I start to judge other people who wear certain clothes, listen to certain bands, or drive a van. Then I become someone different, and then I become fully encompassed in a lifestyle of irony.
I would rather just be a person who can, at the least, tolerate your views and opinions without imposing my own on top of them.
I'll listen to Coldplay when I please, because they're talented and make me feel things. I'll wear the shirts I made because I'm proud of them, and I'll watch the movies that hold my attention. I'll drink my PBR because it's what's at the party, knowing that it's the equivalent to cardboard flavored fizzy water. I will wear whatever hat keeps the sun out of my eyes or the cold from my ears. I have no idea what kind of sunglasses Kanye West wears, and he surely didn't steal mine, because they're in my bag right now. I certainly don't fit the mold entirely, but there's no question that I have my moments.
Overall, there is a significant piece of the culture that deals directly with a lack of respect for anyone but themselves, and that is the part I don't wish to be associated with.
You call it irony, I call it hypocrisy.
I have a sad habit
of reading the missed connections on Craigslist.
I sometimes wish that there was one whose description I fit, but there never are.
I find myself hoping that these people will meet and enjoy each others' company. I make up lives for them. Some get an apartment in the city, some settle down, some take a weekend trip to the dog park.
Some of the stories are sad, when I imagine what will happen to these people if they never find each other.
Most of the time, I wish I was interesting enough to have a missed connection written about me.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
I can see
the words inside your silence, but I can't speak about your pain for you.
How long can you burn for, anyways?
Turning over and back again with tongues ablaze like lions without teeth, hungry.
Staring at the forests of flames and our eyes just talking with the trees.
If we could drift long enough, we'll be home.
Sails blown by the fire within, pushing me to you.
And you can live inside of me, sewn together.
Breaking, inhaling, growing and breaking, again and again.
And you are a part of me.
You are my home and I'm your home, but I'm no place you want to be.
So I'm out here again, sparks hid behind my teeth.
I won't say a word for fear of failure spreading.
It takes some of us longer to get our dead ends now.
Oh, blood stained with loose living ran through charcoal hearts to make it red.
And we can be on fire again, you and I.
Do you want this?
Well say what you want, say what you mean.
Or we can talk, lung to closed ear.
Head inside a hand turning over again, together.
Cut up with cheap heat running through our veins.
And we can lay brick by broken brick, our ashes pushed in between.
And build this road back home to where we want to be.
We are not our own, we are the same.
Monday, December 13, 2010
"I am a collector of stories,"
you told me.
Every single night I told you bits and pieces of mine. We haven't talked in months, and I have no idea where you are.
I decided that this summer I'm going to get on a plane and find you.
I'm going to take myself to your last known location and I will knock on doors until someone tells me where you're at.
Even though I haven't seen you in years, yours is a funeral I'd fly to from anywhere. You said that to me every time we said goodbye, and I promise that I will stay true to that, I know you will too.
This is just a small break in contact. I'll see you soon.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
She sees his face
in the sweat stained sheets.
The dirty cups,
they keep on piling up.
In the backyard,
so overgrown.
In the dandelions,
they peek through the cracks in the patio.
She swears she hears the phone,
but she only gets a dial-tone.
So she imagines what'd she say:
"If you feel like coming home to me sometime,
yeah, if you feel like coming home to me,
I'll be waiting at the door.
There is nothing to be sorry for.
So why can't you come home?
Don't you feel like coming home to me anymore?
You don't feel like coming home to me?"
they keep on piling up.
In the backyard,
so overgrown.
In the dandelions,
they peek through the cracks in the patio.
She swears she hears the phone,
but she only gets a dial-tone.
So she imagines what'd she say:
"If you feel like coming home to me sometime,
yeah, if you feel like coming home to me,
I'll be waiting at the door.
There is nothing to be sorry for.
So why can't you come home?
Don't you feel like coming home to me anymore?
You don't feel like coming home to me?"
ugh.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Tomorrrow should be
fun, I'm going to go get my hair chopped off.
Truth is: I'm scared that it will get fucked up, and I'll look like a boiy.
Admission: I'm going to feel so guilty spending thirty dollars on it.
Fact: I am going to overdraw my bank account for one day, in order to get it cut. I don't get paid until Friday, but I just can't wait any longer.
I"m angry that the piercing place told me it would be an extra twenty dollars to pierce my septum because it has been done once, and they'd be going through scar tissue, or some cop out excuse for more money.
This makes me think that even though I know it's not safe for me to do it myself again, I'm going to anyway, because there is no way I'm spending sixty dollars to get my nose pierced again.
If anyone wants to do it for me and has some kind of idea of the right way, I'll be more than glad to let you do it. Same thing goes for my haircut.
In other news: I'm so overwhelmed with everything. I have final exams to study for, I have my final sculpture project to even start still, there are four Fine Arts critiques I haven't written, I need to find a place to live next year, and I do believe a certain Mr. Johi is staying with me this weekend. So little time, so much to do.
For now though, I'm going to sleep, and I don't have to be awake tomorrow until I want to be.
Goodnight moon.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
I have not showered
in three days, and I've been wearing the same pair of leggings for a week.
Where did I lose control?
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
HEYBUYASHIRT
'CAUSE I'M POOR.
And cause they're really awesome, and look like this:
The one I'm sporting is a portrait of my dear Elliott Smith, but if you're not down with that, have no fear.
I can put anyone on yer shirt, in any color, as big or small as your lookin' to wear.
Here are a few important notes on these rags:
-$10 if you don't give me a shirt to draw on.
-$5 if you get me a specific shirt.
-So far, they've all been done in fabric marker, which easily withstands a washing machine, so don't fret.
-I'm experimenting with spraypaint and stencils, those will be around soon.
-All I need from you is money and an idea. If it's not a well-known person, I'll need a picture for reference as well.
Want one of these bad boys? interwebmailmachine: samritzer@gmail.com
Fuck the sun,
we're tossed into the sea.
I'd rather live in days too dark than see you again.
I would be the one you'd never lay next to.
Silent.
Our dreams are lost and beautiful.
Miles from anywhere we can distinguish.
How many necks will you break to get back home?
"Enough," you said.
This is where I walk away.
The only appealing thing about winter is that I can write again. It's going to be a rough one.
Now playing: What Counts EP - Have Heart
Monday, December 6, 2010
Counting down
to so many things.
This is more for me than for anyone who reads this. Does anyone even read this? Whatev, yo.
1 day until my thesis paper is due.
4 days until my last sociology quiz.
4 days until I get paid.
4 days until my thesis paper conference.
4 days until my last math test.
5 days until my haircut.
8 days until my health final.
11 days until my math final.
11 days until my sociology final.
11 days until I am home.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
As you throw away
the love that we made.
I know, I know nothing is gonna change that.
Nothing is going to change that hopeless feeling I get when you say you understand, and I know you can't.
Does it give you satisfaction?
I know it does. I get the feeling that you're happy watching me be unhappy.
It was always the exact opposite for all that time, you were always the one sad about where we stood. Now that you have the chance to say no, and you have other people to support you, it's easy to say that you're done.
I'm sorry that I'm not speaking to you. I can't reach out any more than I already have.
This is where everything new starts.
I will be happy again.
I have an appointment to get a haircut on Friday, and that will be the first time my kaleidoscope has moved in months. Anyone who knows me would know how important this is.
I have a kaleidoscope personality and for a while it has been stuck in the same stupid pattern, I'm brushing off the dust and making moves again.
Now Playing: Blue Sky Noise (Safe Camp Acoustic Sessions), Circa Survive
Friday, December 3, 2010
Not one of you
will ever be able to understand how broken my heart is.
In the course of my eighteen years, I've lost buttons from my jacket, my favorite hat, an elephant beanie baby, Sydnee's Circa Survive cd, plenty more cd's that were mine, my driver's license, numerous pairs of sunglasses, lens covers, a soccer ball or two, sweatshirts, car keys, money, a cell phone, a debit card, packs of cigarettes, chapstick, a retainer, my cat's collar, a dog, three fish, a mouse, my favorite cup, so many socks, a show ticket signed by all of We Were Promised Jetpacks, passwords, photographs, toys, sheet music, homework, time, and morals.
nowi'velosthope.
Now Playing: [A-->B] Life, mewithoutYou
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Lord,
I'm discouraged.
These past few days have not gone well for me. I'm losing everything that was ever solid in my life, and now I'm left living inside a jellyfish. No backbone, no brain, no direction. Just a digestive system and some poisonous tentacles. This isn't what I want. I want to be different. I want to recreate who I am.
I get into moods like this, especially in the winter.
I feel like I'm not good enough, I'm not interesting enough, I don't do enough, I'm not talented enough, I'm not pretty enough.
I want a haircut.
I want new clothes.
I want to be good at what I do.
I want to love someone.
Sad music will get me through my sad days, and I won't be able to fix anything until I am fixed. I will cut my hair tomorrow.
Now Playing: Stay Positive, The Hold Steady
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Looks like
I got played. Ouch.
I'm never the kind of girl to get a crush like I got, but oh my, did I fancy you. It doesn't matter now, because I'm also not the kind of girl to fight. You have what makes you happy, and in the end that's all I can ask for. Sure, I'm sad, sure, I'm upset, but I can't hold it against you.
I've played my fair share of the game, but it hurts when I've finally stopped, and it is just now coming back around to me.
See, it wouldn't hurt so much if I hadn't hurt someone else for you. I broke a boy's heart just to take a shot with you, and it backfired as much as it possibly could.
I'm lonely again.
I'm listening to lonely music again.
It's obviously winter time, and so it begins.
Now Playing: You Are My Sunshine, Copeland
Saturday, November 20, 2010
There are times
like right now, where I wish I was somewhere else.
It's because I'm laying in my bed, stealing internet from my neighbors, and filling my room with cigarette smoke. Even though I'm aware of the trouble this will get me into. I don't care.
Welcome to winter, everyone. This scene is the general picture of what our lives in this season will become. Seasonal Affective Disorder will ensue for quite a few of those who believe it exists, and for those who don't, well, we'll just be sad.
It's nothing that we want, but nothing that we have learned to avoid. It happens and we allow it.
I just want someone to be honest with me. Honest intentions at the least. My cat is the only boy in my life who loves me and will never hurt me.
Places where I wish I was:
1. Under the covers.
2. Under the covers with a boy.
3. Under the covers with a boy listening to Radiohead.
4. Under the covers with a boy listening to Radiohead eating macaroni and cheese.
5. Under the covers with a boy listening to Radiohead eating macaroni and cheese with a cat at my feet.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
I told myself
to shut my lips and get my face straight before I made moves towards another sad sabotage. One dirty lightbulb is my life. The bottom is entirely rusted, making it near impossible to fit into a socket. The years old lining of dust on the inside of the glass is going to stay there forever, leaving people unable to see inside but making for a more beautiful, softer light. Who the fuck would use an old, dirty lightbulb though. There's newer, fancier, more efficient bulbs out there.
So I hung it upside-down on a string, dipping halfway into a fishbowl, trying to make use of it in the best way I could. That's where it will stay, for a few years at least, in the corner of a dirty sculpture studio, waiting to either catch the eye of a curious person, or sit until the building is cleaned out. How it's found doesn't matter to me at all. If someone questions my feelings at that moment in the past, then I am accomplished.
Now playing: Music for Airports, Brian Eno
Monday, November 15, 2010
I play mom
to half of the people I know.
It's never bothered me before, I don't mind picking up the pieces and cleaning up messes. I've never cared about being woken up at three am to talk on the phone, I never had a problem deciphering drunk texts, talking down panic attacks, telling someone how beautiful they are when the self-confidence isn't there.
But I'm just a small, scared, eighteen year old girl. Since when did everyone choose me to hold their worlds together?
I have never felt so guilty in my life until last night. I'm always there to answer my phone, no matter what time it is. I'm so sorry that I was asleep. Hearing you cry to my voicemail was the worst thing I've felt in a long time. Whether you were wasted or not doesn't matter. I'm there every other night that you call, and last night I wasn't.
I don't want that guilt on my shoulders. I just want everyone to be happy, that's all.
So I'm going to carry the guilt until you're alright. However long it takes, I promise.
In unrelated news: I am happy. I like you.
Now Playing: Miss Machine, The Dillinger Escape Plan
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
I most certainly will not
conform and get a tumblr.
I love my blogspot, all day, errday, until I die.
Small side note: Isn't it crazy how someone can make you so angry without even doing anything? Err.
In other news, I am happy. I have adventures to look forward to, and people to see.
I like you.
Goodnight moon, today has been a moot day.
Now Playing: Alone In A Crowd, Catch 22
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
from now on.
I'm going to try to do this at least twice a week.
Someone may read it, or nobody will read it. I want the beauty, not the acknowledgement.
I believe that when strung together these five words make a gorgeous sentence, in every way possible.
Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. Things will be brighter someday. I promise.
Now Playing: American Hearts, by A.A. Bondy
Monday, September 6, 2010
cool-lege.
My headline is no longer correct, folks.
This here bloggy is now being bloggily blogged from my college dorm room.
I know, I was away for a while. Meh. I just lost time after school was out, since I no longer had a seventh period study hall.
So hm, cause I know it's really vital information to you all, I'll tell you about college from my perspective:
1. It's not all it's cracked up to be.
2 It is also everything it is cracked up to be.
3. It's easy to find people you'd like to be friends with, it's hard to actually become friends with them. The percent of people who actually meet once and then become friends has to be like, .000000001 up here.
4. People learn your name because you have tattoos and/or snakebites.
5. The common misconception of most of the Honors College students: You blow your nose ring right out every time you sneeze. (I am however dispelling this rumor every time someone asks me that question.)
6. You will probably hate your roommate. Especially if he/she scuba dives and uses very rapid hand motion while speaking.
7. You think you will like getting away, but you don't. Granted, it is nice not having fat ass, one ton crazy bitches constantly ruining your high school life, you will miss your good friends way more than you hate fat people.
8. People are still mean in college.
9. But there are so many more nice people.
10. Hookah makes friends.
11. You will often want to leave.
12. Every guy really is obsessed with CoD.
13. You will play dibs, A LOT.
Take that how you see it, but that's what I've learned so far.
Over and out.
Now Playing: The Big Dirty, Every Time I Die
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Oh my, oh my.
I cannot wrap my mind around everything that has been going on lately. I can't work correctly and I feel like a short circuiting robot.
I want to be angry at the world again. I want to have no discretion over what I dislike, I want to dislike everything. Then I would not have to decide what to like, and what I want. I can't decide these things.
I am sorry to turn this blog into my personal journal and the place where I air out my mind, but that is what it is turning into. Most of anyone who reads this probably can't even understand my scatterbrained words and combinations of sentences, but there are a few people that can. A person that can see into my head without even being in the same room, and knows exactly how I am without even telling him. This is the source of my confusion. I can't be apart, because it is literally impossible. He will always be there, regardless of whether we are near or not. I am slowly learning to accept everything about this person, and it is a strange feeling.
We are seventy five percent water, yet the same water has the capability to kill us all when it pleases. This is what I know, and this is what I am risking.
Do I mix the freshwater into the ocean, or will it even make a difference?
Now Playing: Blue Sky Noise, Circa Survive
Monday, June 21, 2010
well, it's creeping back in.
My happiness, that is.
It's mostly in part to me fixing a major mix-up that I had been dealing with for quite a while. It was a mix-up between my heart and mind, and who I gave those things to. I have been hurt and I'm finally to the point where I can start patching myself up. It's a nice feeling. But I can't perform surgery all on my own. There's someone helping me, and right now that's all I can really say.
Now playing: Congratulations by MGMT.
Monday, June 14, 2010
I am bored.
I have nothing to do at all.
I am waiting for Austin to get back from eating with his grandfather, then he will come talk to me. It's weird that his grandfather lives right next to me, but I haven't seen him since I was six. At least we can catch up tonight.
I'm so bored that I can't even find words to type. Ugh.
Goodbye.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
end, then beginning.
Today is the last real day of high school for me. What a momentus occasion. I have never been so excited in all my life, to be at the beginning of something. The end is wonderful, but I can't do anything besides look forward to what will come.
:)
In other news, I finally got my La Dispute tattoo. It was rather painful, but very pretty. I will put pictures up eventually.
It says, in two hearts, "what is life without a purpose, what is purpose without love" which are my favorite lines of any song, possibly ever.
Now Playing: Somewhere at the Bottom of the River Between Vega and Altair, by La Dispute
Monday, May 24, 2010
The Archer's Bows are Broken
is the song of the day.
The one I can't get out of my head, and that I've listened to more times than I should in six hours.
What did you learn tonight?
You're shouting so loud you barely enjoyed this broken thing,
you're a voice that doesn't sing, that's what I say.
You are freezing over hell,
you are bringing on the end, you do so well.
You can only blame yourself, that's what I say.
Some of their songs make me think too hard, and I like it that way.
I love the pain in the words.
What do I carry the torch for? Do I believe in anything? Do I carry it around just to burn things down?
I need to figure the answers out, and fast.
Now Playing: The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me by Brand New
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
la da da da da.
da da, da da.
la da da da da, da da, da da.
la da da da da, da da da,
da da, da da, da duh, duh duh duh.
i hate school.
i hate this place.
i hate nearly everyone.
but i love everything.
someone tell me how this is.
now playing: songs for silverman, by ben folds.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
I love love.
It's funny how people change so much because of one person.
It's weird how people can find someone to keep them intact.
It's strange how people will give everything for one thing.
It's amazing how people will look beyond flaws.
It's beautiful how people can be in love.
Conversations for another day, I'm going to smoke and then sleep.
Now playing: Songs, by Regina Spektor
Saturday, May 1, 2010
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