has gone by since I wrote anything.
This post is mostly just blog for blog's sake.
To reassure you I am alive.
Now Playing: The King of Limbs - Radiohead
Monday, February 21, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
It is February
fourteenth, and nothing more.
By nothing more, I mean nothing of importance for me at least.
For the last two February fourteenths of my life, I have had someone to spend it with. This year, I don't, and I feel liberated. In fact, I'm quite happy about where I am.
I spent the last two with a boy and Ben Folds, who had conveniently scheduled shows within days of the fourteenth both years.
While those were two of the best days of my life, I'm still quietly okay with being in my room, kept company by a few cigarettes and some iced tea.
I'm alright.
My future is not in jeopardy because of one lonely day.
For clarification, I'm not that lonely.
There is a boy though.
That small amount of me that can still feel things isn't expecting anything, but I caught myself wondering today, whether I would get anything.
I won't.
That's alright.
As time passes I am more and more certain that he cares for me, but as my best friend said, I'm still in denial and I still feel like it's too good to be true.
I adore him. I have for a while.
I enjoy looking forward to seeing him again, and even though I don't like being so far from him, I feel it makes things better.
He'll be with me in a matter of days, and I am happy.
So even if I don't have someone to kiss this year, at least I have someone to miss.
I'm alright.
Now Playing: The Earth Sings Mi Fa Mi - The Receiving End of Sirens
Friday, February 11, 2011
I will continue
chain smoking because it makes me feel better about where I am in the world.
For these few moments, I am alone in a cloud of smoke and smell and I am comfortable.
I am quiet and the world is quiet.
There is a feel between my fingertips and on my lips that I know.
It is a feel that occupies my hands and mouth and it is not your feel, and I am better.
I would smoke this cigarette forever if I was sure that it would stop the sense of your skin on mine, allowing me freedom from that ghostly reminder of your being.
This used to be the feeling to calm me when you could not, and now it is my escape from you.
The cold February has rendered fingers senseless now, and if I have not thanked winter for anything, I will thank it for this.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
A little farther
away from here
the sound gets quieter.
There's not a lot that we can still force out of our mouths.
It's more silence than anything else.
The ghost hands that we all remember still play a few chords here and there,
the noises still coming from the piano in the corner.
They're all in a minor key.
None of us can be happy where we are.
It's an overwhelming feeling of loss for all of us.
Fight, break, heal, break, and fight until we're nothing.
We lay on the floor near each other and stare into the ceiling lights.
We can't even begin to touch.
The hands that used to be magnets for each other are now full of static electricity.
This scene is full of old grays and washed out colors.
Like we got a bad developer who doesn't really know film.
He pulled the darkroom curtain back one too many times,
these pictures aren't the real thing.
Now playing: Happy Songs for Happy People - Mogwai
Saturday, February 5, 2011
It's enough
to make you give up, she says.
I know, it shows.
I'm in the strangest mood today.
I want to give up on everything. I don't want to lose you, but I want you to be gone.
Not gone from me, but Eternal Sunshine gone.
I don't want to have ever known you.
None of this works. Love is nothing like it should be.
Sad days, sad nights, missing the best times of everything.
Nothing works out in the end, it won't be okay.
Now Playing: Sounds of Salvation, Cassino
Friday, February 4, 2011
Whoever you
talk to in your sleep ties your hands and your feet
and you wake up like a pig awaiting slaughter.
These same people you know, they know more than I do.
They can show you your unborn daughter.
You see her face every night and every day is a struggle, staring hard at faces around you.
Trying to put shit together, does she have the nose or the eyes
of the girl two people ahead of you in line.
I wrote this and I fucking hate it. I'm going to post it anyway.
What a strange night.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Oh, here
we fucking go.
There is apparently nothing that can stop me from thinking about you.
I can lay with everyone else, but yours is the only chest I can fall asleep on.
I don't want to be so far away.
I don't want to be so attached.
But I am.
I fall in love far too quickly, I am reminded why I don't do this.
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