time that passes without a thought of something bigger. I don't want to let you go, for you to be the one that would get away would tear me to pieces. There are attempts made to fill the void, but I can be sure now that it is not working. I will lay with him and imagine you, hoping that his body would dissipate and only your frame would be left in that place. I just sit and watch that man sleep, entirely emotionless. When you sleep though, I feel more things than one human mind can take. You have grown into me, and I can not sever my own person. This is my fucking diary for the world to read. I keep it for reasons that I don't understand. I am an open door, please come in.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Oh dear lord,
she lies.
She makes up stories about her life, thinks of what she wishes it was, and tells people that it is just that.
She knows she's not interesting enough to be anyone.
Some days she lives alone, most days she comes from money.
Pretend, pretend.
She's been to Europe three times.
She's never seen anything farther than Chicago.
She eats caviar in the first class section of an Air Australia flight.
She's a vegetarian who lives on steamed soy beans.
She knows exactly what she's talking about.
But really, she has no clue.
Now Playing: Here, Hear II - La Dispute
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Think about this
for just a second.
Real eyes
realize
real lies.
I love words, I love thoughts, I love thoughtful words.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
I fall asleep
alone every single night of my life and I'm tired of it.
Where did we get off track? I live in a fucking devil town.
Now Playing: Noise Floor, Bright Eyes
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Fuck the sun.
We're tossed into the sea.
I'd rather live in days too dark than see you again.
I would be the one you'd never lay next to.So quietly.Our dreams are lost and beautiful.Miles from anywhere we can distinguish.How many necks will you break to get back home?"Enough," you said.This is where I walk away, tell youThings will be brighter someday. Scream it at the waves and do your fucking best.Tell the tide to stop its selfish changing so the moon can take a rest.We are glass children, lit to shine.Smart in the mouths but dull in our minds.I already posted this once. But there is more to it now.
One song
can make me feel so much.
Tonight it's Sleep Patterns by Merchant Ships. In all honesty, it's a lot of nights.
One person can only take a certain amount of shit before they collapse. There are so many things I want out of this life, and I get scared that I won't ever accomplish a single one. We're here, we wake up, we die. It seems as fast as that sometimes. I keep moving farther away from where I was but I don't know that those steps are taking me anything closer to where I'm going.
I've been awake for eighteen and a half years and what do I have to show for it? I don't need recognition, and I don't need approval, but I want to feel good about what I've left behind. I'm not afraid of being a nobody, I'm afraid of not being someone.
I had to grow up way before I was ever supposed to. Everyone that I'm surrounded by has mommies and daddies to take care of their spending habits, to fund their educations, and let them be carefree for another four years. I don't like to complain though, because I have more than so many people, but at the same time, I've worked hard for every single thing that I have. There was never anyone there to hand me things. I moved out at sixteen, I had to be responsible for my entire life at the same time that my friends were learning to drive. It's wishful thinking for an easier life and some sense of understanding. Work hard, hard work.
I want to stop the world from it's fucking spinning and scream at everyone to stop giving up.
Now Playing: For Cameron - Merchant Ships
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Art
is an entirely objective medium, obviously, but I've never taken the time to think about it.
I'm taking a class this semester entitled "How do we understand art, and what therefore should we do?"
The first assignment was to watch a play about just that. Art. Who are we to judge? It was called simply, A R T, written by Yazmina Reza. It was originally a French play, translated into English, about three men and one painting.
The play itself wasn't the greatest, or at least didn't strike my fancy, but the things that it had to offer were very intriguing.
One white painting, on a white canvas, with white diagonal lines.
200,000 francs.
One fight, the word "fuck" about eighty times, three crying scenes, and one make up involving a blue felt tip marker.
That was the play in a nutshell, but it took two hours to show.
In the ending monologue by Yvon, he says:
"Nothing formative in the world, nothing great or beautiful in the world has ever been born of rational argument."
Think about that. It's truer than anything I've ever heard.
Friday, January 14, 2011
It's just a normal night,
for us. We live a vagabond lifestyle.
We've got nobody to answer to, no authority to tell us where to be or when to be there.
So we drive, sometimes on the highway, and sometimes in circles.
I don't think we ever plan to go anywhere, we just get there.
Generally the only things in our possession are what we can fit in our backpacks.
A notebook and a pencil, ipod and headphones, a few dollars, some cigarettes and a camera with a fish eye lens.
We could listen to the same shitty songs on the radio all fucking night.
It's alright, we're alright.
We're going places someday.
Now Playing: Diamond Eyes - Deftones
Monday, January 10, 2011
I don't give a damn
'bout my bad reputation.
I like me, and I will do what I please. If that means living in a socially unacceptable way, then be rejected I will.
I am happy.
Love me or leave me, I'm done with whatever is in between.
She is just a girl
who thinks about her dreams before she dreams them. She imagines herself in a glass box, the world watches on while she struggles for sleep. They feel the frustration resonate from the twists and turns occupied by an unconventional mind. She forgets her body parts, floating through the pins of her subconscious, questioning why the music for airports makes her feel the most.
Things will be brighter someday, scream it at the waves, tell the tide to fucking stop changing so the moon can take a rest.
Friday, January 7, 2011
I'm so scared
of what could be real.
I don't want this, you don't want this, I don't believe it's even possible.
I need to tell you.
I won't tell you though, because I don't know.
I'll find out.
I hope.
Soon.
Oh, so cryptic.
Now Playing: Tezcatlipoca EP - Tubelord
Monday, January 3, 2011
There is not a thing
left that can surprise me.
I grow and I wilt and I lose ground and continue to grow.
I am happy and I am sad and I break down and I find a way to be happy again. Repeat. Repeat.
I am learning to be okay with myself as a party of one. I'm getting better at being alone.
I eat alone, I sleep alone, I sing alone, I love alone.
This is alright with me.
There is a certain beauty that comes with the introspection available to only the loner. There is a beauty in the sadness, and I believe that the number one is gorgeous. I look differently upon everything, having to accomplish it by myself. I'm confident that I will someday find the compliment to my being, but I am no longer giving in to my whims to search them out.
I could be with anyone, my personality can easily flex and bend enough to fit them.
I could be anyone, I could love anyone.
Now Playing: Daytrotter Session, 1.3.11 - MGMT
I am a glass child,
properly lit to shine, but dull in the mind.
I break at the first sign of a conflict, and I'm not doing this with you. Any of you.
I will hate you all I want.
Now Playing: Our Color Green EP - GlassJAw
I don't know if
I'm ready to talk yet.
I like the things I keep inside too much to share. Selfish little girl.
Just know that I do miss you.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
End of 2010, speaking
in musical terms.
I write for a lovely blog called the Pittsburgh Music Report, that you should all totes read.
We're all really awesome.
Here's my end of 2010 list. I got to pick my three favorite albums and shows to share with everyone who reads our blog.
It was fun to write, the first time I've ever done something like that.
Opinions?
Now Playing: Cassadaga - Bright Eyes
So this is the new year,
and I don't feel any different.
I'm going to change that, though. I have so much to look forward to.
1. Second semester of college, getting my freshman year over with.
2. Moving out of my house officially.
3. Lollapalooza again, with my best friend.
4. I would like to go to the beach this summer, too. (This may be just a wet dream, 'cause I'm broke.)
5. Spending my sophomore year of college in an apartment by myself, and not with a stranger.
6. Finally figuring out what I want to do with my life.
Now Playing: Transatlanticism - Death Cab for Cutie
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