The Elephant's Room

I will never find a place where I am happy.
I get tired too easily but won't ever sleep.
Comfort isn't something that I am ready for again, I've spent too many nights being uncomfortable that discomfort is now my safe place.

Get me out of here.
Now playing: Merchant Ships - For Cameron

that there was a way for me to put myself in your dreams.
That way I can tell you that I miss you, even when you are asleep and we can't talk.

and if it were to be told where I've been, you'd find yourself surprised.

with where I sit at this moment.

far too long since I've written anything.

in the pouring rain every day for the rest of my life if just to bring you back.

is godless, ghost infested. It's a fucking devil town if I've ever seen one. The people here walk around as if sunlight means nothing to them, like they don't believe in it, like they don't understand that without it they wouldn't exist. It's the most basic form being taken for granted, and if they cannot appreciate this, then they cannot appreciate anything. Yet they can treat some other being as their sun. A revolution of their emotion around something so unstable as another's emotion. But we do not see the sun. "Your heart is what makes mine beat," what a sick and terrifying proposition that we have put forth here. That does not exist, love does not exist for every reason that humanity does not exist. Ask people why they are alive and you will find a multitude of pseudo-meaningful excuses, every one of which at their core are based in water all of three inches deep. We are all so fucking shallow. We are shells of what was intended and then lost when the sun was forgotten.


Now Playing: Makers - Rocky Votolato

has gone by since I wrote anything.

fourteenth, and nothing more.

chain smoking because it makes me feel better about where I am in the world.

away from here

to make you give up, she says.

we fucking go.

time that passes without a thought of something bigger. I don't want to let you go, for you to be the one that would get away would tear me to pieces. There are attempts made to fill the void, but I can be sure now that it is not working. I will lay with him and imagine you, hoping that his body would dissipate and only your frame would be left in that place. I just sit and watch that man sleep, entirely emotionless. When you sleep though, I feel more things than one human mind can take. You have grown into me, and I can not sever my own person. This is my fucking diary for the world to read. I keep it for reasons that I don't understand. I am an open door, please come in.

she lies.

for just a second.

alone every single night of my life and I'm tired of it.

We're tossed into the sea.

I'd rather live in days too dark than see you again.

can make me feel so much.

is an entirely objective medium, obviously, but I've never taken the time to think about it.

for us. We live a vagabond lifestyle.
We've got nobody to answer to, no authority to tell us where to be or when to be there.
So we drive, sometimes on the highway, and sometimes in circles.
I don't think we ever plan to go anywhere, we just get there.
Generally the only things in our possession are what we can fit in our backpacks.
A notebook and a pencil, ipod and headphones, a few dollars, some cigarettes and a camera with a fish eye lens.
We could listen to the same shitty songs on the radio all fucking night.
It's alright, we're alright.
We're going places someday.






Now Playing: Diamond Eyes - Deftones

'bout my bad reputation.

who thinks about her dreams before she dreams them. She imagines herself in a glass box, the world watches on while she struggles for sleep. They feel the frustration resonate from the twists and turns occupied by an unconventional mind. She forgets her body parts, floating through the pins of her subconscious, questioning why the music for airports makes her feel the most.

of what could be real.

left that can surprise me.
I grow and I wilt and I lose ground and continue to grow.
I am happy and I am sad and I break down and I find a way to be happy again. Repeat. Repeat.

I am learning to be okay with myself as a party of one. I'm getting better at being alone.
I eat alone, I sleep alone, I sing alone, I love alone.
This is alright with me.
There is a certain beauty that comes with the introspection available to only the loner. There is a beauty in the sadness, and I believe that the number one is gorgeous. I look differently upon everything, having to accomplish it by myself. I'm confident that I will someday find the compliment to my being, but I am no longer giving in to my whims to search them out.
I could be with anyone, my personality can easily flex and bend enough to fit them.
I could be anyone, I could love anyone.



Now Playing: Daytrotter Session, 1.3.11 - MGMT

I'm ready to talk yet.

in musical terms.

and I don't feel any different.

I'm going to change that, though. I have so much to look forward to.
1. Second semester of college, getting my freshman year over with.
2. Moving out of my house officially.
3. Lollapalooza again, with my best friend.
4. I would like to go to the beach this summer, too. (This may be just a wet dream, 'cause I'm broke.)
5. Spending my sophomore year of college in an apartment by myself, and not with a stranger.
6. Finally figuring out what I want to do with my life.






Now Playing: Transatlanticism - Death Cab for Cutie