The Elephant's Room: November 2010

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Lord,

I'm discouraged.

These past few days have not gone well for me. I'm losing everything that was ever solid in my life, and now I'm left living inside a jellyfish. No backbone, no brain, no direction. Just a digestive system and some poisonous tentacles. This isn't what I want. I want to be different. I want to recreate who I am.

I get into moods like this, especially in the winter.

I feel like I'm not good enough, I'm not interesting enough, I don't do enough, I'm not talented enough, I'm not pretty enough.

I want a haircut.

I want new clothes.

I want to be good at what I do.

I want to love someone.

Sad music will get me through my sad days, and I won't be able to fix anything until I am fixed. I will cut my hair tomorrow.

Now Playing: Stay Positive, The Hold Steady

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Looks like

I got played. Ouch.

I'm never the kind of girl to get a crush like I got, but oh my, did I fancy you. It doesn't matter now, because I'm also not the kind of girl to fight. You have what makes you happy, and in the end that's all I can ask for. Sure, I'm sad, sure, I'm upset, but I can't hold it against you.

I've played my fair share of the game, but it hurts when I've finally stopped, and it is just now coming back around to me.

See, it wouldn't hurt so much if I hadn't hurt someone else for you. I broke a boy's heart just to take a shot with you, and it backfired as much as it possibly could.

I'm lonely again.

I'm listening to lonely music again.

It's obviously winter time, and so it begins.

Now Playing: You Are My Sunshine, Copeland

Saturday, November 20, 2010

There are times

like right now, where I wish I was somewhere else.

It's because I'm laying in my bed, stealing internet from my neighbors, and filling my room with cigarette smoke. Even though I'm aware of the trouble this will get me into. I don't care.

Welcome to winter, everyone. This scene is the general picture of what our lives in this season will become. Seasonal Affective Disorder will ensue for quite a few of those who believe it exists, and for those who don't, well, we'll just be sad.

It's nothing that we want, but nothing that we have learned to avoid. It happens and we allow it.

I just want someone to be honest with me. Honest intentions at the least. My cat is the only boy in my life who loves me and will never hurt me.

Places where I wish I was:

1. Under the covers.

2. Under the covers with a boy.

3. Under the covers with a boy listening to Radiohead.

4. Under the covers with a boy listening to Radiohead eating macaroni and cheese.

5. Under the covers with a boy listening to Radiohead eating macaroni and cheese with a cat at my feet.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Johnny

will probably never read this.

I don't know if he's even still alive.

I told myself

to shut my lips and get my face straight before I made moves towards another sad sabotage. One dirty lightbulb is my life. The bottom is entirely rusted, making it near impossible to fit into a socket. The years old lining of dust on the inside of the glass is going to stay there forever, leaving people unable to see inside but making for a more beautiful, softer light. Who the fuck would use an old, dirty lightbulb though. There's newer, fancier, more efficient bulbs out there.

So I hung it upside-down on a string, dipping halfway into a fishbowl, trying to make use of it in the best way I could. That's where it will stay, for a few years at least, in the corner of a dirty sculpture studio, waiting to either catch the eye of a curious person, or sit until the building is cleaned out. How it's found doesn't matter to me at all. If someone questions my feelings at that moment in the past, then I am accomplished.

Now playing: Music for Airports, Brian Eno

Monday, November 15, 2010

I play mom

to half of the people I know.

It's never bothered me before, I don't mind picking up the pieces and cleaning up messes. I've never cared about being woken up at three am to talk on the phone, I never had a problem deciphering drunk texts, talking down panic attacks, telling someone how beautiful they are when the self-confidence isn't there.

But I'm just a small, scared, eighteen year old girl. Since when did everyone choose me to hold their worlds together?

I have never felt so guilty in my life until last night. I'm always there to answer my phone, no matter what time it is. I'm so sorry that I was asleep. Hearing you cry to my voicemail was the worst thing I've felt in a long time. Whether you were wasted or not doesn't matter. I'm there every other night that you call, and last night I wasn't.

I don't want that guilt on my shoulders. I just want everyone to be happy, that's all.

So I'm going to carry the guilt until you're alright. However long it takes, I promise.

In unrelated news: I am happy. I like you.

Now Playing: Miss Machine, The Dillinger Escape Plan

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

I most certainly will not

conform and get a tumblr.

I love my blogspot, all day, errday, until I die.

Small side note: Isn't it crazy how someone can make you so angry without even doing anything? Err.

In other news, I am happy. I have adventures to look forward to, and people to see.

I like you.

Goodnight moon, today has been a moot day.

Now Playing: Alone In A Crowd, Catch 22

The Elephant's Room